In Love, Who Does the Choosing?

by Susan Sheppard

Relationship is the foundation for everything that both men and women do on the planet. It is important to both and yet priority wise men and women are different.  Both men and women can go out into the hard cruel world and get beaten up and abused, taken advantage of, yelled at, cursed at, fight traffic battles and bureaucracy all day, as long as there is somewhere to rejuvenate and someone who believes in them. A good relationship can provide the rock solid foundation to do just that. The commitment is a personal vow, made by each person to be together. When there is a bond that strong between two people, they really can endure and conquer any challenge.

 

Women thrive on relating. Men do not relate on the same level.  Men find comfort in their relationships somewhat similar to how they find comfort in their old jeans, their recliner chair and their car.  As long as it fits, feels good and gets them where they want to be, they are satisfied.

Men want their women to be happy. They want to be comfortable in their home. They will tolerate a lot of abuse from the woman they love as long as they feel comfortable and get sex. Men do not leave until they have been dismissed. Even when it appears that a man has left a relationship, it is likely that the woman has finished with him and sub consciously dismissed him because he has severely disappointed her in some way.  This is an example of how women do the ending of relationships.

Although it is true that men are very visual and are attracted to the most beautiful women in the room, they usually won’t approach them.  They have too much at stake.  Men value power in the world above power in relationship. Men also value sex above power in relationship. In other words, they don¹t think relationship is that important. Their focus is on producing results in the world. Primarily the result that they want to produce.

Men want to be comfortable. First off they want their woman to be happy and contented. Once he is assured of that, a man wants to know that his woman is solidly behind him, approving of him, supporting and believing in him. He wants sex, frequent, intense, passionate, loving, wonderful, fun sex. Oh, and he wants the rest, ie. Children, dogs, a house  etc. also but he doesn’t have the same hierarchy in his priorities.

Let’s look at this world.  Men have most of the power in this world. Part of that is because of what I have just revealed.  The other part is that although women have been striving to have the power in other parts of the society, their center of attention is in relationship.  This is where the gap begins to widen.

Women strive for perfection, they are always looking for more. They frequently will choose a man with potential and then try to mold that potential into their vision.  There is a difference between nagging your man to make more money or do more around the house and  having a vision that includes his dream and believing in him until he produces that dream.

It¹s interesting that feminine power has more to do with self-esteem than any other issue. A man will produce for a woman. That’s instinctual. He will seek her approval and he wants to please her. He needs direction, and if a woman cannot express her appetite and ask for the things she needs, he will not provide them, and she will be disappointed.

Women’s  biggest failing in this world is that they do not own their “POWER IN RELATIONSHIP”.  They often choose to give it up or even worse fail to recognize that it even exists. The sad part about that is that it literally falls by the wayside because then no one claims the power in relationship. A relationship is an entity of its own,  separate from the individuals who enter it.

In reality, a woman owns the absolute power in relationship.  She has complete control over who is allowed in her life, who she allows to touch her body, and especially who she will consent to sex.  She determines who to marry and how that relationship will progress.  She cares about relating.  She cares about having children. She cares about having intimacy, communication, sensuality, a home, security and sex within her relationship.  She only needs to claim this power.

If this is the case and women are actually intuitive, why the enormous divorce rate?

Here is the premise to explore:  Women do the choosing and women do the ending of relationships. The reason for the high divorce rate is that women often choose poorly!

They choose by chemistry alone. It doesn’t matter how old, how homely, how thin or fat, how educated or what size bra she wears.  She still get to choose.  The interesting part about choosing is picking the criteria that she will use to choose. The number one criteria in choosing a partner must be whether he deserves to have her in his life.  If she chooses a man by his looks alone, she is likely to get very hurt. If she chooses a man simply because they have powerful chemistry together, she is  also likely to get hurt. If she chooses a man by anyone else¹s standards, she will have made a huge mistake.  The real solution to choosing a good man is for each woman to determine her own criteria. It is individual preference.  Each woman must discern what is necessary for a man to be “good for her” so that she actually knows what she wants.

What I mean by that is that everyone’s  perception about who men are directly relates to the men with whom there has been intimate contact.  That does not mean sexual contact. It means a father,  brothers, or any man that has occupied her same living space for more than one year.  From those encounters, each woman determined her belief about men.  Depending on history, the belief can be anywhere on the humanity scale.  This is also true for men about women.  Unless a woman¹s comfort zone is expanded by continuing to meet, experience and share intimate conversation with a wide variety of new men outside of her norm, she will always end up attracting a version of her first perception.  The intimate conversations must be about what drives them, what values they have, and who they are as humans on the planet. In addition a crucial element is to determine from the conversation, how he perceives, handles and respects women.

Therefore, the most significant thing that anyone can do to find the love of her life and choose him is to get clarity about her own personal values, and her hierarchy of priorities and claim her power and own it.

From that point on the process of meeting and dismissing men as candidates will continue until one appears with whom she shares not only 1) Chemistry, but also 2) Love with Respect, and 3) Compatibility.  Only at this point, once these qualities are established, a woman can start to discover if he deserves to have her and if he is the man she will choose.

Once he is chosen, treat him like a precious treasure.  Love him, sex him, empower him and believe in him. The results will amaze and delight.  Men are wonderful creatures.

Susan Sheppard is a speaker, writer and mentor committed to helping others create authentic relationships. She is founder of Getting What You Want, Inc., a life and relationship coaching organization created to help you to get exactly what you want in every facet of your life. Her books “How to Get What You Want from Your Man Anytime”, “Dating after 40 No More Excuses, and the latest on infidelity in final edit, Who’s Cheating Who? are available on Amazon.com. For more than 20 years, Sheppard has focused on supporting individuals who have wounded hearts to restore their self-esteem and re-enter the relationship game.

Visit GettingWhatYouWant.com, email [email protected] or call 818-414-6032. See ad page 40.

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